03 April 2013

My most amusing doctor visit ever

After nearly a year with the horrible expander, I was actually looking forward to having it replaced with a nice, comfy silicone-gel implant. Just the thought of being able to sleep on my stomach made me giddy. Not giddy enough to merrily skip into the operating room, but enough to ward off most of my normal pre-surgery fears.*

As the operation date loomed near, I had the standard rounds of doctor appointments. What was not so standard was being handed a binder full of Playboy models and being told to pick out my ideal breast shape. I was even given post-its to note particularly good features. Having never been a teenage boy, I never realized that there are so many different considerations.

While I carefully compared 1959 boobs to 2006 boobs, Matt very carefully ignored me in favor of his phone. "What do you think of these?" "Umm..." "Do you think these are too big?" "Err..." "JUST GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME LOOK AT BOOBS!"

Ultimately, I gave Miss December 1963 best overall, though a few 1970s centerfolds made very good showings. Matt agreed.

With that out of the way, what size would I like? Honestly, I never had any real desire for bigger boobs. Alas, it would be impossible to make them reasonably symmetrical without increasing the right side at least a bit. Considering how highly I value symmetry, I decided that a slight increase was something I could live with.
A weighty matter hangs in the balance.

Dr. PlasticSurgeon explained that she wouldn't know exactly how much of an increase I would receive until she took out the expander. If I was lucky, the right side would only have a vertical scar extending downward from the areola. By pinching the skin underneath, the top would be perkier and a closer match to the entirely fake boob on the other side. If I wasn't lucky, I'd wake up with a lollipop scar, with the top part encircling the areola. Admittedly, when I stopped giggling, I was okay with either option.

I asked the doctor if I could have the expander after removal. I had grand plans involving a rifle and YouTube. She understood the sentiment, but deemed the lab techs to have a higher priority. I suppose being slowly dissected for biopsy is a crueler fate than instant destruction, so I acquiesced.

With all of the formalities taken care of, I managed to maintain my eager anticipation until the day prior to surgery. The real miracle, however, was that I didn't change my mind about my choice of new boobs.

*It's really not a good thing that I have a well-established baseline for "normal" surgery apprehension.

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