For the past couple weeks, Zero was puking little pukes late at night. Most were so small that he just swallowed them back down, so we only had the glurpy sounds with which to deduce what his innards were doing. Since it it was such small amounts and he has a tendency to lick unidentifiable substances on the sidewalk, we decided to just keep an eye on him for the time being. But before he reached the predetermined upper time limit for discontinuing late night barfs, IT CAME FROM WITHIN!

There we were, walking the dogs when Zero makes the most bizarre noise. SPEW! I'm not exaggerating when I say it landed over a foot away from him. Matt and I just stood there, looking back and forth between the seemingly content mutt and the splatter of puke. It was all liquid, so there wasn't much we could do to clean up the sidewalk. I suppose we could have gotten a hose and hooked it up to a neighbor's spigot, but that would have put us in the seriously creepy category. Feeling a bit guilty, we left it and headed home. My one consolation is that no one will ever know it was Zero since you can't dust for vomit.

Fast forward two days to Sunday at high noon, the first appointment I could get. The vet took a look at Minimutt and declared him to be alive. A couple of Pepcid AC tablets and he'd be done with his reverse eating. Oh, and he has fleas.

"FLEAS?! No, really? Fleas?"

"Yes, fleas. See? Here's one?"

Let the panicking begin! Apparently fleas like really warm weather, such as the blistering August heat in southern California. At the same time, monthly flea preventatives (Frontline, Advantix, et cetera) start fading in the third week after application. When these two forces combine, mutts get fleas and everyone is miserable!

Zero had very recently acquired his since there weren't any eggs or droppings or something else I forgot. We hadn't seen him chewing himself more than usual, so if I hadn't taken him to the vet, we wouldn't have found out for awhile. As for Bigmutt, Tawny was guaranteed to have her own set living in her princess fur. Yay!

There's an amazing pill that kills all fleas in 15 minutes. Armed with one per dog and a bottle of vet-quality flea killing medicated shampoo, Zero and I headed home.

Shocking, the pills were immediately doled out. I barely waited 15 minutes before I got to work with a Furminator (best fur brush ever) while Matt prevented escape. Then came the baths, during which four creatures were thoroughly soaked. That just left cleaning everything in the house.

Finally a benefit to annoying hardwood throughout the house! Only two throw rugs had to be shampooed. Oh, and the couch. The doggy beds were deemed in need of replacement anyway, so they were tossed. The floor mats by the living room doors were falling apart, entitling them to join the beds. The stuffed dog toys, well, they can be machine washed, but that doesn't mean they should be. Out they went. The rubber toys were washed, along with everything else that would fit in the washer.

After ditching half the mutts' stuff, it was time to replace it all! It took three pet stores to find all their favorite toys and acceptable beds. It was horrible. The markup on chew toys is absolutely ridiculous, but that's nothing compared to the markup on the bed. $103 for both, after a 10% discount! Obscene! Outrageous! No way we were going to another store this late on a Sunday!

No tale of new dog toys is complete without pictures.


Zero testing his new bed and purple monkey.


Excuse me? What's this?


I'm not sure I approve.


Tawny has made her decision.

No, really. And entirely on purpose. For some reason, there was absolutely nothing remotely watchable late on a summer Sunday night. The closest thing to bearable was Amazing Wedding Cakes, and that was only because I wanted to see how those ridiculous cakes are made. The stupidity and drama inherent in all reality television would just have to be ignored if no one was wiling to exert effort and put on a DVD.

As predicted, the cakes and the decorating process were interesting. The people, not so much. Then the show ended, leaving us face to face with our original lethargy. While Matt and I vigorously debated who should actually get off the couch, the next show came on: Bridezillas!

Holy crap did I never plan on watching such a monstrosity. But for that one hour, it was the greatest show on earth. You couldn't make up some of the mind-numbing neuroses these women developed over the course of planning a wedding. One woman's craziness could at least be PARTIALLY explained by all the stupidity going on around her. The other, well, we spent the next half hour trying to figure out why on earth her fiance hasn't put his head in an oven yet.

There are some very beautiful larger women and some very ugly stick-thin women. This example happened to fall squarely in the chunky and ugly category, partially due to her unkempt hair and frumpy clothes. However, she apparently has no ego problem as she is convinced she is the most gorgeous woman in the world and ANY guy would kill to be with her. No exaggeration. She randomly accused other men of trying to flirt with her and didn't seem to notice when her flirting attempts were ignored. Her poor fiance, however, noticed her trying. Personally, I think that a healthy self-esteem and confidence in oneself are great traits (of which I could use some more...), but she was firmly in the egomaniacal area.

After announcing that she was to be referred to as Queen, just when I thought she couldn't go any farther downhill, things got worse. She gathered all her fiances friends and presented them with rules. The most notable was a ban on all jewelry, including a groomsman's wedding band. WTF?

Even though Matt and I were clearly a bit stupider for having watched a full hour of such nonsense, I must admit that it was engrossing. And I will NEVER watch Bridezillas again. Oh, and why are people so desperate for fame (and $2500) that they are will to debase themselves on national television? I will never understand that one.